The Four Most Deadpool Moments In The Bible
So The Merc with the Mouth finally got the big screen treatment that suited his character. He has been a fan favorite in comics for years, but a lot of the non- hardcore comic world met Deadpool in the video game Marvel Ultimate Alliance because he was not only entertaining, but super useful to play with. However you met Deadpool, he has become the fungus of the geek world, growing and covering every aspect slowly, and without sign of stopping (and I mean this in the most loving way you can call someone a fungus and still mean it positively ... you know like a FUNgus). He's basically become the male equivalent of Harley Quinn. Even the most casual fan can associate, obsess, and, of course, cosplay him, so much so that at half the comicons I've gone to there are enough Deadpools to have their own photo shoot. It's good that he's gotten his own film after the fiasco of his appearance in Wolverine, but at the same time the movie is a hard "R" rating with over the top language, crude humor, a metric ton of gruesome violence, nudity, and pretty much everything that can earn you an R rating. It's even become the highest grossing R rated film of all time, and that is saying a lot!
While I know a lot of my friends are totally pumped for the movie, I have a lot of friends that wouldn't watch it, and especially parents that would never let their children (as they probably shouldn’t, because it's not for them) watch this movie. Much like the woman who petitioned to have a PG-13 version of the film so her kid could watch it. But in reality, a PG-13 Deadpool would really be lacking for the reality of the character and you might as well fall back on Tobey Maguire in SpiderMan 3 and pretend it's Pooly. Cheer up though, emo kid, there's still plenty of over-the-top zany violence waiting for you even if you missed Wade on the big screen, and it's conveniently located in the Bible that has been collecting dust somewhere around your house/apartment/dorm room/evil lair. It may not have Ryan Reynolds in spandex, but there is enough jubilant gore to satisfy even the most demanding immature tastes. So nuke some chimichangas, and sit back as we check out the 4 most "Deadpool"stories in the Bible. #1 Jael, Judges 4. A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, there was a dude named Sisera who found himself on the wrong side of the army of the Lord. His whole army was destroyed and Sisera, being the fanciful coward that he was, ran away on foot and tried to find somewhere to hide. He ran upon our friendly neighbor Jael and this was their interaction. "18 Jael went out to meet Sisera and said to him, “Come, my lord, come right in. Don’t be afraid.” So he entered her tent, and she covered him with a blanket. 19 “I’m thirsty,” he said. “Please give me some water.” She opened a skin of milk, gave him a drink, and covered him up. 20 “Stand in the doorway of the tent,” he told her. “If someone comes by and asks you, ‘Is anyone in there?’ say ‘No.’” Aww look, she was gonna be his friend and he was gonna sleep safe and sound with a belly full of milk...except that Jael had a bit of a Deadpool streak.
"21 But Jael, Heber’s wife, picked up a tent peg and a hammer and went quietly to him while he lay fast asleep, exhausted. She drove the peg through his temple into the ground, and he died. 22 Just then Barak came by in pursuit of Sisera, and Jael went out to meet him. “Come,” she said, “I will show you the man you’re looking for.” So he went in with her, and there lay Sisera with the tent peg through his temple —dead."
Yikes. As this dude laid sleeping, she nailed his head to the ground with a tent peg. Eeesh. What makes it even more of a Deadpool moment is that if you turn over to Judges 5, Deborah and Barak broke into a musical number about the whole situation.
#2 Eglon, Judges 3. In this fun adventure we meet the big fatty Eglon, King of Moab, who made life really hard for Israel. And before you think I'm being mean calling this guy fat, the Bible did it first. "
17 He presented the tribute to Eglon king of Moab, who was a very fat man." So you can stop judging me now. But anyway this dude was very fat. Point made. So our fat fat fatty of a ruler was visited by Ehud, who was basically an Israelite equivalent of an assassin off of Assassin's Creed.
"16 Now Ehud had made a double-edged sword about a cubit long, which he strapped to his right thigh under his clothing." So after he walked in he went up to the fat king and this went down:
"19 But on reaching the stone images near Gilgal he himself went back to Eglon and said, “Your Majesty, I have a secret message for you.” The king said to his attendants, “Leave us!” And they all left."
Can I just point out that Eglon had terrible security? Anyways, moving on.
"20 Ehud then approached him while he was sitting alone in the upper room of his palace and said, “I have a message from God for you.” As the king rose from his seat, 21 Ehud reached with his left hand, drew the sword from his right thigh and plunged it into the king’s belly. 22 Even the handle sank in after the
blade, and his bowels discharged. Ehud did not pull the sword out, and the fat closed in over it."
Yikes!!! Not only did Eglon get stabbed right in his portly girth, his belly was so fat it swallowed the sword whole! It's important to get 60 minutes of cardio in everyday kids! #maximumeffort
#3 Jehoram, 2 Chronicles 21.
So Jehoram was a jerk. A big Jerk. When he became king over Israel the first thing he did was kill all his brothers. Again, jerk. His reign was so bad and he was so distant from God that Edom and Libnah revolted against him. His reign dragged down all of Jerusalem. God was patient with him, but that ran out. Eventually Elijah the prophet delivered an unwelcome message from God
"12 Jehoram received a letter from Elijah the prophet, which said: “This is what the Lord, the God of your father David, says: ‘You have not followed the ways of your father Jehoshaphat or of Asa king of Judah. 13 But you have followed the ways of the kings of Israel, and you have led Judah and the people of Jerusalem to prostitute themselves, just as the house of Ahab did. You have also murdered your own brothers, members of your own family, men who were better than you. 14 So now the Lord is about to strike your people, your sons, your wives and everything that is yours, with a heavy blow. 15 You yourself will be very ill with a lingering disease of the bowels, until the disease causes your bowels to come out.’”
Let's recap. God is going to strike a blow against everything and everyone that is attached to Jehoram, which is sad, but deserved when you lead God's people poorly. But then it gets into the gangster business. God is going to give him a disease, "until his bowels come out." Your bowels should always remain in, just a point of reference. Going on,
"18 After all this, the Lord afflicted Jehoram with an incurable disease of the bowels. 19 In the course of time, at the end of the second year, his bowels came out because of the disease, and he died in great pain. His people made no funeral fire in his honor, as they had for his predecessors." So literally Jehoram had this painful disease for 2 YEARS and in the end pooped himself to death. That's just a gruesome way to go, and his memory was not honored. "20 Jehoram was thirty-two years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem eight years. He passed away, to no one’s regret, and was buried in the City of David, but not in the tombs of the kings."
That's a sad legacy to leave as a King, but not as sad as being such a jerk that God makes you poop yourself to death.
"He wore the brown pants" - Deadpool.
#4 Samson, Judges 5.
So there was a pretty substantial body count in Deadpool of random thugs, mercenaries, and bad guys in general, and while he may be know for violence, I'm willing wager Pool's body count doesn’t equal Samson's. There are plenty of "Casualty-heavy" stories regarding "Mister Hair Care," but let's focus on this one in particular. Samson was being handed over to the Philistines when 1,000 of them came forward and this chaos ensued: "14 When he came to Lehi, the Philistines came to meet him shouting. The Spirit of the Lord took control of him, and the ropes that were on his arms became like burnt flax and his bonds fell off his wrists. 15 He found a fresh jawbone of a donkey, reached out his hand, took it, and killed 1,000 men with it."
Ok we know Samson has a body count that's hefty when he breaks the pillars and crushes everyone, but think of this battle. The dude killed 1,000 men with a jawbone. It's not like he could kill all of those people at once; this had to have gone on forever. Imagine how long it would take to high five 1,000 people, let alone kill them. This alone probably lasted longer than all the Marvel movies combined, let alone Deadpool's flick. The amount of blood and carnage that had to ensue would be gruesome, but wait, there's more. "16 Then Samson said: With the jawbone of a donkey, I have piled them in a heap. With the jawbone of a donkey I have killed 1,000 men."
You see that one phrase "piled them up in a heap"? Samson literally took the time to single handedly slaughter 1,000 men, then once the bodies had hit the floor, he went back and piled them all in a convenient pile. Some scholars even suggest that Samson's phrase there was a song. He killed 1,000 men, put them in a pile, and then sang about how proud he was of his accomplishment. If that wasn’t wacky enough he then pulled this one out, "17 When he finished speaking, he threw away the jawbone and named that place Ramath-lehi."
So to end this bloody donkey boned fiasco he gave the place a name, Ramath-lehi which means "Hill of the Jawbone." Aww, isn't that sweet, he named his pile of mutilated bodies. There's Deadpool all over this story.
So yeah, the Bible, like Deadpool's solo premiere, is full of stories that are violent, gross, crude, and horrific, but thankfully the Bible has a lot more depth than the ultra-violent action comedy. Even though the Bible may have these horrendous moments, the story from beginning to end is about God reconciling mankind unto Himself and restoring peace to our existence. Look what we see in Isaiah 2:4 "He will judge between the nations and will settle disputes for many peoples. They will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks.
Nation will not take up sword against nation, nor will they train for war anymore." Jesus even tells us He gives us peace in John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Your heart must not be troubled or fearful." So while we look at the violent stories, sit back, eat a chimichanga and know that as much violence that exists in our fiction, our past, and our present, that God has peace for our future. #crisphighfive